Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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