Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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