I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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