I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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