I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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