I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
