Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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