I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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