dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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