oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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