Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
