so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
