Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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