I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize