mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
