Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
