I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
