Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
