im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
