and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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