well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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