just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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