If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
