I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
