DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
