You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
