Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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