If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
