You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
