Only a mothe r could love this liver
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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