i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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