Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
