Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
