a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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