i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
