Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
