im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
