In the future we'll all be gay
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
