I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish you could order shots online.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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