I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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