Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
