I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
