i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
