whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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