I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
