So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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