if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize