I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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