i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
