Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
