my sisters under your porch take her home
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
