i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
