i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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