it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
