Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
