I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize