Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
