It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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